


love is not enough

by goblinfingers



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), Watcher Entertainment RPF
Genre: Barely any dialogue, Beta'd, M/M, Mentions of addictions, mentions of depression, mostly to show the pain of lost soul mates, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:28:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27826798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goblinfingers/pseuds/goblinfingers
Summary: It was hard to let go but, eventually, they did.Shane moved back to Illinois, Ryan left California. They never met again.
Relationships: Ryan Bergara/Shane Madej
Comments: 9
Kudos: 17





	1. love is not enough

**Author's Note:**

> I'm grateful to my beta idkspookystuff  
> Love you so much <3  
> Also this is much longer than I intended it to be.  
> Based on a short story I posted on my ig account - bookingmadej.

Shane adored people but was so disconnected from their lives and daily struggles that, after some time, it became tiring. Others liked him; the jokes and kindness radiating from his existence were calming but, somewhere along the way, it became repetitive. Lack of beauty and averageness proved he was no one special to be around and so he started traveling.

Shane visited a variety of places; one of the favorites being Poland, the country of his parents. He stayed there for a year, improving the forgotten language and left for Germany. Shane avoided the United States, which he associated with a broken heart and shattered promises, made by a man that had betrayed him. The reason for leaving? Boredom. Shane didn’t know that one word could destroy him so easily.

For a while, he filled the void with everything that seemed effortless. Never being good at meaningless sex, he gave that up pretty quickly, later finding alleviation in alcohol. The numbness was freeing and he felt like living again, chasing happiness as a new man. Traveling became an escape route and his life purpose, alcohol still present as the favorite poison.

Shane met new people and experienced a mixture of different cultures, always leaving without a word before he got attached. No one knew his real name and he was content with pretending, existing only as a pleasant memory in people’s minds.

Shane decided to go back to the United States, but avoided his hometown in Illinois, arriving in sunny California with no plan in mind. 

*******

Ryan was an art piece, displayed for people to admire and theorize what was hidden beneath the paint, yet no one wanted to comprehend him fully. The colors were pleasant, lacking excessive aggressiveness and calming the soul. It didn’t take much work to love Ryan when all the lights were on him, underlining the perfect body and pretty face. 

No one was flawless and people around him seemed to forget that, completely lost in the darkness of his eyes. Ryan hated attention and shallow admiration, participating in conversations about nothing while his mind traveled. The people he called ‘friends’ treated him like a clueless frat boy, but Ryan was so much more than that.

He loved nature and the wilderness was the only witness of his angelic voice; his songs expressed feelings that were buried under the heavy pile of reputation. Ryan read a lot of classic literature, which inspired him to create his own poems. 

It was burdensome to love Ryan long-term. After the period of happiness, his issues began to surface and depression turned off the lights, leaving the display in blinding darkness. The art piece faded, the colors became weathered and gloomy with the shapes losing their original enchanting meaning. The painting was nothing more than just a mix of emotions, aggressively put on a blank canvas without any sense of order.

People left. Friends. Lovers. Ryan was alone in the end and after multiple disappointments, he stopped experiencing loss. It was just another thing that happened and, despite being used to the feeling, it still left a bitter taste in his mouth. Ryan was tired of pretending but equally terrified of showing himself to the world and baring his soul. 

Ryan decided to distract himself from dangerous thoughts, finding comfort in his favorite club.

***

Sunny California brought them together like the Angel of Death interlacing life and despair; one cannot simply exist without the other. 

They saw each other across the dance floor but made no move to lessen the distance. They weren’t interested at first. Like ships passing by in the night, oblivious to the existence of each other.

Ryan went outside, desperately in need of fresh air. The silhouettes were a blur. No distinctive features caught his attention and every person in the club seemed like a paper human being, quick to fly away when the wind was right. He was alone, watching the cars move; his mind filled with fading memories, each one painful in its own way. Ryan started singing, his voice revealing bare emotions hidden for too long now.

Shane stopped in his tracks, startled at first by the foreign voice, but soon enchanted by the angelic sounds leaving someone’s mouth. The cigarette landed on the ground, momentarily forgotten, just to be crushed under Shane’s shoe soon after. 

Ryan heard someone coming as he stopped singing, fearfully looking around. Shane revealed himself, a soft smile calming the younger man’s nerves. They looked at each other for a moment, as if calculating the persona they had to show.

“Can you sing more?”

“I don’t sing for people.”

Ryan’s face was flushed red and the taller man found it endearing. Somehow, Shane was a part of this moment, not a spectator anymore, and the feeling made him dizzy. Others usually experienced pleasant emotions when around him, but the uneasiness on Ryan’s face didn’t seem negative or positive.

“Please? You have a really beautiful voice.”

Ryan started singing, timid at first, the voice shaky and uncertain. But with every new note, his confidence increased. Shane could admire him entirely; the beauty and incredible softness were obvious at first glance and he didn’t know what drove him then. The crippling loneliness, a desire to be seen; he closed the distance between them, gently cupping Ryan’s face and looking into gorgeous dark eyes. 

They kissed like hungry lovers, once separated by the cruel Lady Fate just to be brought back together. Their hands wandered, exploring each other, getting drunk in the feeling of existing and experiencing. They stopped, breathing heavily, completely lost in the sensation. 

They parted without a word, deciding this desire should belong to those few good memories and never spoken of again. The night was cold but the taller man’s touch remained hot, burning Ryan’s skin. Shane shivered at the thought of the dreamy eyes of this beautiful creature, but didn’t look back.

They met again the next day in a coffee shop, located in the middle of the busiest street in California. 

***

The way they found each other in this city of thousands of people seemed impossible; a miracle bestowed only to tragic lovers to lessen the aching of their hearts when everything they worked for would fall apart. 

Happiness was temporary, even in ordinary circumstances, and though affection existed between them, life wasn’t fair in its devious schemes. People took the good moments for granted and, no matter how much they desired to cherish the mediocre replication of the original paradise, they were just mortals, destined to fail.

It all happened prematurely. Their conversations were exhilarating; every word like a silent prayer, calling for understanding of the chaos in their minds. They were incompatible and contrasting, yet every single moment was spent together in mutual enjoyment. 

Issues started to emerge, revealing the ugliness of their souls; all the immoral acts they had committed and the repulsive warmth when they hugged kept them apart for a time being. The well-being of this uncanny connection was based on a sort of toxicity; the union of souls that were kept together by a thorn. Healing required work and sacrifices, but they were too exhausted by everyday life. 

Being broken one too many times became an explanation they used for their unhealthy coping mechanisms and every time they fought, their souls screamed with the pain of being misunderstood. Honesty got lost somewhere along the way and unspoken words started creating a path to mutual destruction.

It was ironic. 

They loved each other too much, but sometimes the adoration was just not enough. Despite being one another’s anchor, they sabotaged their happiness.

It was hard to let go but, eventually, they did. 

Shane moved back to Illinois, Ryan left California. They never met again.


	2. letters that were never sent

_Dear Shane,_

_I’m so sorry for all that I’ve done. I hope you never had any doubts about how much I loved you. It was overwhelming sometimes; the way I behaved around you like a dumb teenager and couldn’t control the words that left my mouth. I talked too much and I felt too much; always so sensitive about every single thing. Depression was exhausting so much I ran away from you, but always had the need to come back, like a kicked puppy. The number of times you had to put up with me and the way you looked at me when I was falling apart…_

_I will not forget you, but I can’t keep you. I was so happy with you, but you dragged me to the bottom of the ocean and I couldn’t breathe. I held onto you too tightly and my fingers bled, yet I couldn’t let go. I was so afraid every time you left my apartment; it was paralyzing and I wanted to die. I needed to hug you but I was scared I seem too vulnerable._

_My mind is broken and my body is full of scars only you were able to see. I don’t regret baring my soul to you, but I wish I waited. It wasn’t supposed to go like this; we were meant to stay together._

_I don’t know what happened. I miss you but I don’t know where you are. The only thing I know is your name but I have no idea where to look for you._

_I want to find you._

_But you don’t want to find me._

***

_Dear Ryan,_

_I didn’t need anything or anyone else but you. You were my safe space and my future, but I’m known for sabotaging my happiness. My addictions and the issues I’m battling are not something you needed to experience, but you still saw more than other people. I wish I was in a better condition when we met, but life is a bitch and timing was never on my side. I reacted too quickly and I forced you into the commitment. I’m sorry. I know you don’t think of it that way, but it was my fault._

_I still need you. I can’t be selfish with you, I want you to have a happy life with someone without so many burdens and broken soul. You will find them and I firmly believe that. But baby, oh baby, you have such a bad taste in lovers that sometimes I wanted to hurt you properly so you could see that._

_If you could read it, would you still want to be with me? There’s too much and I can’t control it. I regret not telling you more about myself, but at the same time, I’m glad because you will never be able to find me. I’m just a ghost now. I exist only as a memory and I hope it’s one of the good ones._

_We were not meant to be together. We are too different and love too much; we are toxic for each other and as much as I loved our happy moments, I absolutely despised the bad times. I saw you hurting and I fell along with you._

_It’s not healthy, baby._

_But God, I wish I was more selfish. I wish I could stay._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Tumblr!  
> @watcher-savage  
> If you're interested in joining a private shyan discord which is, most importantly, small and we mostly just hang out and talk about shyan, hit me up. Not gonna promise you will get in tho.

**Author's Note:**

> Podfic very much welcomed.
> 
> Come check Shyan Kinky Community


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